Stop writing one page resumes

300 resumes.  That’s how many applicants we got on a job posting that was plastered with “DO NOT APPLY IF YOU’RE NOT QUALIFIED OR WE WILL KILL A KITTEN”.
While no actual kittens were harmed in our interview process.  We ended up doing phone interviews with 5.  We’re barely over 1%.  The thing that the 99% shared in common?  THE SAME BORING ASS RESUME.  If you think it’s boring writing one of those.  Imagine reading one.
Conventional wisdom has agreed that a resume should be one page.  But conventional wisdom is just that…conventional.  You know what else is conventional?  Toaster ovens.
Who the hell wants to be conventional? Who ever said, “when I grow up I wanna be conventional.” GROSS.  The thought makes me depressed.  People should not want to be conventional; they should strive to be unique, inspiring, amazing, original or, at a minimum, incredibly weird.
It’s like a blog post, you should stop when you’re done. Don’t force it to be one page, because more than likely the person reading it has seen more than one resume and can tell when you used bigger fonts to compensate.  Like-wise, don’t cram everything onto one sheet with the hope that you’ll impress your future boss, it just makes you look like you’re trying too hard.

STAY SEXY

When I get a resume that’s done in MS Word, I break out in hives.  If you don’t care enough about design to brand yourself, then you’re probably not a good fit for us.  While I’m a huge diva when it comes to design, this also applies across the board.  I can’t imagine a situation where a recruiter gets a well-designed resume and doesn’t give pause to think, “This person really has their shit together.”
Unless you’re a designer, you probably aren’t awesome at design.  Just like I’m not a surgeon, so I don’t perform surgeries on myself.  A designer’s world revolves around making things look more visually appealing.  They can make your resume look appealing so people will want to read it.  This simple concept is often lost on people.
What does a good resume look like?  Well, check these out, find a designer friend who will “hook you up,” and tell him which one you like the best.
http://smashfreakz.com/2012/08/creative-resume-template/

Show some personality.

I know resumes suck to do, but think of the experience of reading through hundreds of these things.  Every single one bloated with business jargon that only proves you spent too long in corporate.
The one percent who received call backs had another thing in common: they made me laugh.